The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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