pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
