I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
