apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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