Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
