Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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