Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
