I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
