Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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