she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
