our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
