I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
