is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
