Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All the doctor said was why
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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