Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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