Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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