I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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