When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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