I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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