I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize