Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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