The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
