It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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