my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
