I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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