You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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