There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
