Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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