Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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