so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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