You're my little dorito
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I cut my penus on the lid.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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