we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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