I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Found the puke drawer
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
