I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
