I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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