The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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