Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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