I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We had to coat check the pizza.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
