There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
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i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.