I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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