the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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