I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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