WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
