My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
