I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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