I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
