I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
