Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
