I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
