apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
