It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
