Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
