god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
