dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
BRING THE BAGELS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
