Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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